The Pirates of Gravity Falls
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: Post-"Curse of the Black Pearl" "The Time Travelers Pig" AU! During their fight through time, the Pines Twins destroy the tape measure, and end up dragging home some...'colorful' characters...
1. Chapter 1

Pirates of Gravity Falls

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

Jack Sparrow was in good spirits, he was free from the gallows, he got his ship back, the wind was with him, he had rum...what more could a pirate ask for?

 **ZAP!**

- _I'm pretty sure two strangely dressed kids appearing out of thin air fighting over a measuring device would be too much of a mouthful to ask for...Also 'why' would anyone ask for that?_

He was disturbed from his musings as the Pines twins accidentally shattered the tape measure...the ensuing energy dispersal swallows up the entirety of the Black Pearl...

…...

Next thing the crew of the pearl realize...their in a lake next to a strange little town...

Doing what Jack dose best, he immediately grabs the two children and 'asks'(while their on a plank) what is going on here...

…...

Jack nods to the twins. "Alright, I believe you." Gibbs looked at him strangely. "Sir that was the craziest story I've ever heard!"

Jack shrugged. "I've heard and lived through crazier." He says simply.

Pintel couldn't help but latch on to one part of the story. "This Pacifica...she's rich?" Mabel nodded. "Oh, yeah! I've never been, but I hear her mansion has more valuables in her cellar than in most banks!"

Now this caught the crews interest! Ragetti turns to Jack. "Captain, I feel that if were in anyway decent...we'd help these poor kids in their plight." He says with a knowing grin.

Which Jack returns. "I couldn't agree more!" He turns to the twins. "Children, we shall help you in your time of need! The boy shall have his bonnie lass and the girl shall have her piglet!"

 **HORRAY!**

Shouted the twins.

"And if we have to rob that girls family blind, than so be it!"

 **HOR-** wait, what?"

…...

"Right, we searched the house, liberated all her worldly possessions, even burned the place to the ground for good measure!...But I'm afraid we couldn't find a pig anywhere."

Mabel gives him a weird look. "That's because she's not at her house! She's at the fair ground! Like I've been telling you repeatedly for the last hour!" She snaps irritably.

Jack frowns. "Oh, so that's what that buzzing noise was." He quickly orders his men to go take the pig...and rob this 'fair' thing.

…...

Meanwhile, the same rift that brought jack here...broke open again...Releasing a dozen east India trading company ships, seven pirate lords, a whole bunch of pirate cities like Tortuga, A flying Dutchman crewed by monsters, and a Kraken eating a pear tree...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**

 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

Pirates of Gravity Falls ch. 2

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

 **…** **...**

The next couple of days were pretty hectic. The Pines twins almost had no time to celebrate their victory at the fair, before they realized the town had fallen into chaos...

Dozens of pirates, East India trading company goons, and various demonic creatures began to duke it out over Gravity Falls. Each faction trying to grab a slice of this strange, new, 'modern' world.

Fortunately, the Shack was far enough off the radar that the fight hadn't gone near it...Yet.

Stan dealt with the situation the only way he knew how- "Alright, writings on the wall. Sink or swim, the Shack's adopting a pirate theme!" He explains as he begins cobbling together freaky parrots with various taxidermy parts.

He has the Mystery Shack gang set up decorations, he also tells them he hired a small group of pirates to give everything a more 'authentic' feel. So he asks them to welcome them...since he can't be bothered.

Sure enough, they found the pirates outside the Shack. Practicing what they'll say to customers. The gang is about to say hello, when they hear their conversation-

-"This might come as a surprise to you, but my aunt Lucy was a lobster." "Yeah, right." "No really! And a pretty big one too! Sometimes when she feel asleep; we used to pull on her tendons and make her legs move." The other guy began to interrupt "No"- "No really, it was fun!" Insisted the first guy. "We did it at the church picnic once and we actually got her walking across the table-

"WHAT!?" Exclaimed Mabel in freaked out disbelief. And her equally weirded out friends could only nod in agreement.

The guy looks over to them. "Hey, Mr. Stan told me to ad-lib! You don't give me a script, you take what you get my friend!" He pointed out.

The second guy nodded. "True, but the kids got a point. That was odd." The third guy couldn't help but agree. "Dude, you are weird."

With that settled they began introductions. "I'm Captain Gramps!" Says the old timer. "I'm Lunt." Says the short one. "And I'm Larry!" Exclaims the tall goofy-looking one.

"And together we are the Pirates who don't do anything!" Exclaims Gramps proudly. "Oh you know that's right!" Affirms Lunt. "Nothing!" States Larry. "Zilch!" Confirms Lunt. Larry suddenly looks confused. "Um...Nothing!" He says finally.

The other two groan. "You already said nothing." Said Lunt annoyed. "I didn't say nothing." Said Larry. "Yes you did!" Stated Lunt. "Nothing, zilch, nada. Nothing, zilch, nada. Nothing, zilch, nada." Said Lunt reciting their usual introduction...again.

"Oh, yeah. Zilch!" Said Larry confidently. "No, I say Zilch. You say Nada." Corrected Lunt.

"What about nothing?" Asks a confused Larry. Lunt face-palms. ..."Yes". He states in simple resignation.

"Wait, 'Pirates who don't do anything'? What dose that mean exactly?" Asks Wendy.

"So very glad you asked, my dear! Hit it boys! Just like we practiced!" Exclaims Gramps excitedly as they assumed shantie formations-

Dipper and everyone else blanched. "Wha?- No, that's really not-

 **(song starts)**

"-And okay, their going through with it." States a resigned Dipper.

The three pirates sing together...

 **We are the pirates who don't do anything  
We just stay at home and lay around  
And if you ask us to do anything  
We'll just tell you we don't do anything**

Gramps takes the stand for his solo...

 **Well, I've never been to Greenland  
And I've never been to Denver  
And I've never buried treasure in St. Louie or St. Paul  
And I've never been to Moscow  
And I've never been to Tampa  
And I've never been to Boston in the fall**

The pirates once more sing together...

 **We're the pirates who don't do anything  
We just stay at home and lay around  
And if you ask us to do anything  
We'll just tell you we don't do anything**

Lunt then takes center stage...

 **And I've never hoist the mainstay  
And I've never swabbed the poop deck  
And I've never veer to starboard  
'Cause I never sail at all  
And I've never walked the gangplank  
And I've never owned a parrot  
And I've never been to Boston in the fall**

Yet again they sing together...

 **'Cause were the pirates who don't do anything  
We just stay at home and lay around  
And if you ask us to do anything  
We'll just tell you we don't do anything**

And now it's Larry's turn. The other two quickly cross their fingers...

 **Well, I've never plucked a rooster**  
 **And I'm not too good at ping pong**  
 **And I've never thrown my mashed potatoes**  
 **Up against the wall**  
 **And I've never kissed a chipmunk**  
 **And I've never gotten head lice**  
 **And I've never been to Boston in the fall**

Gramps groans. "Dang it Larry! Not again! Seriously, What are you even talking about?  
What does a rooster or mashed potatoes; have to do with being a pirate?"

Lunt nods. "That's right, We're supposed to sing about piraty things."

Gramps shakes his head "And who's ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense, why even bring it up?  
Am I right?" He turns to Lunt. "What do you think?"

"I think you look like Cap'n Crunch." Says Lunt truthfully. Gramps looked at him confused. "Huh? No I don't.  
"Do too." Counters Lunt. "Do not."

"He kinda dose." Admits Mabel in whisper. Dipper just looks at the spectacle confused. "Wait are they doing a bit...are they going off script...having a fight...or what? What's going on here?" The rest of the gang just shrugs confused.

"You're making me hungry." Says Lunt finally. Gramps glares. "That's it, you're walking the plank!"

"Says who?" Retorts Lunt. "Says the Cap'n!" "Oh yeah?" Smirks Lunt. "Well, Aye, aye, Cap'n Crunch!" He exclaims with a laugh and mock salute.

"Arrrgh!" Roars Gramps as he runs after him. "Yikes!" Screams Lunt as he runs and tries to hide behind the Mystery Shack gang.

Larry...not perturbed by what was happening around him...continues the song...

 **And I've never licked a spark plug**  
 **And I've never sniffed a stinkbug**  
 **And I've never painted daises**  
 **On a big red rubber ball**  
 **And I've never bathed in yogurt**  
 **And I don't look good in leggings**

Gramps shakes his head. "He just don't get this!" "Yeah, I'm getting that." States Dipper flatly.

The pirates then get together for one more verse...

 **And we've never been to Boston in the fall!**

 **(song ends)**

The Mystery Gang just looks at them in disbelief...

"Well, that...happened"...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


End file.
